Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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