Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
