i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
