4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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