This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
he just fucked me for my cheese..
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
