I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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