dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
