I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize