my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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