I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
And then my night got REAL pukey
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
