No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
