All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Fuck appropriateness.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
