I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
