I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
