I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
