I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize