come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
smell my finger.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Randomize
