I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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