Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
