When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
