I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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