I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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