This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
