My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
