I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
we're so committed to being not committed
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize