I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
