whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
