Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
