He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You were trust falling into bushes
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
