youre lurking in front of me
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
