Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
