i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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