i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
