Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
