highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
