She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
