I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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