I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
