My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
