Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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