I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
