my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize
