I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
