no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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