I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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