When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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