She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
