I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I look better un-naked...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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