My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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