went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
