My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize