There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize