I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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