DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
