Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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