I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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