Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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