the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
