Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
