I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
